Some hints for aspiring choir librarians (and choir members)

  1. If you provide 22 copies of music for 17 choir members, you will be three copies short.
  2. Publishers will be slow, the copier will break down, and the conductor will forget to tell you about a programme change.
  3. Realise that you live on a different plane of existence from the other choir members. They are actually only able to see you if there is something wrong with their music.
  4. If they are allowed to take the music home, several choir members will accidentally leave their copies “on the piano”. Some appear to own six or more pianos.
  5. There is no good way to file Christmas carols.
  6. As soon as you have finished putting everything away, and not a moment earlier, a complete set of the service music will appear on the windowsill in the choir room.
  7. Upon entering the church, choir members lose the ability to put numbered sheets in the correct order (this appears to be related to their loss of the ability to count, a sad fact mostly appreciated by conductors).
  8. Large amounts of sheet music warp space and time in such a manner that filing something in a certain place does not actually guarantee one will find it there later. Where “later” is any amount of time larger than thirty seconds.
  9. If there are multiple possible ways of filing a piece, all roughly equally logical, it will be filed according to the rule/name you are not thinking of.

There is actually no such thing as hell. It just happens that heaven has a lot of low-ceilinged, cobwebbed little attics and crypts in which reside the Choir Celestial’s libraries, cared for by the heavenly guild of choir librarians. There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and also papercuts. Be good to your librarian or you might end up as one. For eternity.